Feeling sorry for myself....
You probably don't want to hear about my woes. I get that.We all have our problems. But I'm letting off steam. Aging parents in poor health, an elderly Mother in-law struggling with loneliness after the loss of the man she'd loved for over 60 years. A son coming to terms with the sudden death of his partner, and an elderly uncle with dementia, being financially abused by a "friendly neighbour". Not to mention various other physical and mental health issues across the family and our friends. Life can be pretty shitty & it can really pull you down if you let it. Some days, I retreat into overthinking, worrying and endless questions without answers. Feeling guilt for the things I do and guilt for the things I don't. Guilt is a pain in the ass...The "feeling sorry for myself" & "beating myself up over things beyond my control" days. Other times, I give my head a wobbleand concentrate on the positives I have in my life. The strength of my relationship and the deep love we have for each other. The fabulous people who have came into my life, bringing with them sunshine, love, laughter, care and compassion. My true friends. Those who tell me the truth, even if it isn't what I want to hear, but they do it from a place of love. The ones who inspire me and speak out for those in need, no matter who they are, whatever their past and try to make the world a better place. These are the people who warm my soul. They give me hope. For that, I am truly blessed.
I am just about pulling myself out of a bout of feeling sorry for myself. My health has not been great. I left a job I loved in December to concentrate on my health, as the physical demands of the role were just too much. ME/CFS brings with it a whole host of frustrating and unpleasant symptoms. It is assumed that those with Chronic Fatigue are just tired and a good sleep will sort them out. If only that were true. I do not sleep well, and even if I do sleep, I wake most days feeling utterly exhausted. The sickliness, cotton wooly head and aching body that feels like a mix of jet lag and an extreme hangover without the fun bit.
I am naturally an active person. I struggle with "rest". I feel guilt, boredom and frustration if I am not "busy". Professional advice tells me to "pace", avoid boom & bust at all costs. Remember the Spoon Shortage theory. I try. I really do, but it is far from easy. You can't change your entire personality and outlook on life because of a diagnosis. It is bloody hard. Then I blame myself each time I "crash". There isn't anyone else to blame. There is no cure and no real treatment. I feel like I am bordering on whining about the unfairness now, so I'll move on. I get just as sick at my own whining as anyone else does, but sometimes a bit of a moan does help. I know feeling sorry for myself doesn't do me any good. I make myself live life to the full as much as I can. As far as I am aware, we are only alive once, so had better not waste too much time. So, I put on my lipstick and I go out and smile at the world. And when people annoy me with their attitude, selfishness, lack of thought or consideration for others - you know the type; dropping litter, smashing things, blaring music at all hours, driving like Jenson Button past nurseries and old folks homes, or the absolute worst type- thinking they are somehow better than/ more entitled than others based on class, possessions or lack of a protected trait. Then I have to retreat to nature to remind myself of the beauty in the world. There is so much good that comes from walking amongst trees. Hearing bird song & if I'm really lucky, stumbling across wild animals in all of their glory. Magical.
I like to take a flask, my picnic rug and just sit for a while, soaking up the atmosphere. My advice to anyone feeling bogged down by life, is to find your thing. The time and space that gives you strength. Maybe it's the sound of the waves at the beach, the sunset, growing your own food or flowers ( it is pure joy when something you've nurtured first bares fruit). Maybe it's jumping around in your PJ'S to your favourite tunes or even the gym if you're not "outdoorsy". Whatever it is, do it often. Recharge your soul ready for the next day. And try not to get dragged down by the people who piss you off. Conversation and education is the way to bring about real change, and if done well, it truly does. However, we only ever have control over our own thoughts & actions, nobody else's. You can reason, explain and support, but the other person still has free will. Get over it. You never know I you struck a chord they may revisit later. Keep the faith.
The good stuff so far:
When planning our big adventure, there was some real challenges to overcome. Those who know me, will probably be surprised to learn that I have a lot of fears/ borderline phobias. Well, I've had to face some of these head on already...
I have a fear of water, despite working with young people for 36 years and organising & taking part in a whole host of outward bound and water based activities across my career. These included gorge walking, wind surfing, raft building, canoeing and lots of sailing trips. Even jumping off waterfalls and cliffs, into the water below. I couldn't swim at all until I was 30! Even then, it was more hokding my breath and thrashing to get to the other side as quickly as possible.
Graeme took the time to help me get over my fear in my 40's, on holiday in Kefalonia. He bought me a snorkeling & mask and held my hand for hours on end, as we bobbed on the surface of shallow and then deeper water, until my confidence grew. There was still a few scary moments, when fear took over and I almost drowned the pair of us in a murky lagoon. Sheer panic. Fear is often an irrational thing.
Towards the end of the holiday, I jumped from the side of a boat, the Queen Bee, and swam in open water. I was so proud of myself, I rang my Mam to tell her! I am so glad he took the time to help my confidence grow. Especially now we are booked to swim with white tipped reef sharks in April!
No laughing aloud here, but I have also had a lifelong inability to ride a bike. I know the clichés & I've heard " it's just like riding a bike" a thousands times. A total lack of balance & co-ordination, matched with irrational fear. Or so I thought! I am pleased to say, after borrowing my friends young daughter's bike, which was too small for me, spending time in our local cemetery practicing, amongst the headstones, at the grand age of 50....I can now ride a bike! And no dog walkers were mown down in the process! I also didn't fall off, burst into flames or any other scary thing happen. Hurray! I think I'm cured of that one. Mind you, don't sign me up for the tour de France just yet- I only did it out of necessity. To do some of the activities in Galapagos, I have to be able to get across the island by bike. I had no choice but to put my fear aside & literally get a the bike. People have been amazing too- I ended up with various friends offering me different sized bikes to learn on. I ended up with 4- all very different in terms of size & type! I have such amazing friends.
Speak soon,
Caroline
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